and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
