you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
