Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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