You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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