I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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