and you said cock pushups were impossible
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
