my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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