There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
