My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
