so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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