i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Come on in and take your pants off
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