The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
