Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
