How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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