I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
