Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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