clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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