The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize