So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
