Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
