last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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