I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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