I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
