You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
