so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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