i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
