I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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