He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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