I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize