well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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