Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
