i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
