you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize