I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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