I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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