She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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