My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
