Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize