Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
