this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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