i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
