last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
