I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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