I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
