im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
