just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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