highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
