I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
