How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize