After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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