There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
