My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
