I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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