he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you inspire me to be a worse person
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
