Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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