She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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