Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They have beer where we have blood.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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