I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
