So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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