Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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