he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
