Your tits are I can't wait for
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
