just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
