Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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