I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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