it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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