So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
