My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
