I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
