And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
why do cheetos always look like penises
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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