do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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