Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize