i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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