my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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