Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize