It's like God shit irony all over that family
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
