The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
